Zarg’s message to the World Police.

A little about me. My name’s not Zarg and I’m not from Planet X, but since your alphabet is insufficient for either my name or that of my home I may as well be. I arrived on Earth less than a month ago and am sitting comfortably in my spaceship, hidden beneath a glacier in one of your mountain ranges. I am not in Mexico with William Coffin, but one of my small devices (roughly analogous to a radio transmitter and mind controller) is in that country, implanted in his cranium. Be warned that if you go near, it will dissolve.

I am 120cm tall, have two eyes, a nose beneath my mouth and green skin covering most of my body. I am here on a peaceful study mission and, if I interfere at all in your affairs, it will be as a friend.

Is that enough to satisfy your curiosity? I thought not. I’ve seen the pictures and films of ‘Area 51’ and its like. Although I know all these encounters are fake, they will doubtless guide you in your reaction to my presence here on Earth. So you’ll demand answers to questions about science and technology. When you don’t get them you’ll cut me open. Charming.

It may well prove fruitless, but may I now point out that we share an interest in alien species? We have that much in common. Despite this I have not performed a single autopsy since my arrival, and I don’t plan to start. I hope I can count on you to reciprocate.

Oh, and please don’t harm William Coffin. He’s innocent in all this. He knows of my presence, though he remains powerless to act on it beyond the confines of this blog. And once my little device is gone from his head, he’ll not remember a useful thing about me.


William Coffin writes: hear, hear.

Zarg's arrival on Earth

Zarg’s arrival on Earth: how it might have looked, but didn’t. Thanks to Frank van de Velde.